Lessons from KonMari, the Growth Mindset, and the Psychology of Patterns
Rachel is a founder, an ideator, a bias-to-action, err on the side of collaboration kind of gal. She’s started skill-based communities, meditation groups, mentoring circles, and book clubs. She serves on conference boards. She speaks at industry conferences. She mentors others. Her philosophy is that “opportunity drives opportunity.”
But now she’s tired. The kind of fatigue that sucks the energy out of the (virtual) room, that shows up in destructive self-talk, and that leads to long hours of escapism through novels or binge-watching Netflix. Despite her accomplishments, she recognizes this is not the life she dreamed of.
Rachel is a human anagram. She’s part me, part colleague, part friend, and part coaching client. If you relate, read on to discover three questions that can help you design your best life.
Is this serving my best life?
Out with the old, in with the new—it’s not just an adage; it’s a life lesson that reminds us that we have to create space for potential to unfurl.
When building something, like a business, your personal brand, or career, “yes” can be a powerful opportunity-maker. However, if you are ready to pivot to something new, you need to intentionally create space. The Japanese professional organizer Marie Kondo has evangelized the philosophy of decluttering our lives. Her philosophy of keeping only things that bring you joy has many of us systematically cleaning out our junk drawers and evaluating our impulsive purchases. (Ironically, when close to a holiday, her website at konmari.com leads with a holiday gift guide.) However, going beyond our crowded closet sojourn is a more in-depth inquiry. What are we keeping ourselves from discovering by keeping practices and activities that have served their usefulness to us, even if they they us joy?
Perhaps we can turn the common phrase that consumer brands and services ask, “How can I best serve you?” to our own choices and self-talk. “Is this serving my best life?” Consider these three actions to help declutter your inner self and set the stage for your best life.
Unsubscribe. The entire digital world seems to know the address of my tiny work-from-home corner. All the messaging and marketing energy previously dispersed through print media, billboards, point of sale, and personal contact has converted to a tsunami of digital information and calls to action.
Here is a call to action for your new year: Unsubscribe. Stop digital hoarding and filing. If you find you are deleting emails from feeds without reading them or marking them to read later unsubscribe. If you are getting coupons and discounts from brands and stores you no longer visit, unsubscribe. You can most likely find the information again or sign up anew for those discounts when you need them.
By letting something joyful go on the journey of imperfection and experimenting, we may find we also have to let go of our emotions attached to those things.
Let it Go. Rachel recently resigned from several responsibilities, specifically creating space for something new. These were not emotional decisions; her transitions were well-planned and thought out. She simply wanted to create space for new synergies and relationships. In addition, her decision to back away gave others a chance to lean in and lead, building out the communities she had formed.
However, she was surprised to feel the bittersweet emotions that surfaced, particularly the question, “Who am I if I am NOT leading these efforts or known for these things?” She is not alone; it’s a common sentiment expressed by leaders who have pivoted in their journeys.
Carol Dweck, in “Mindset,” writes extensively about this unsettling feeling described by people who have actively worked on changing their mindset. However, new research shows that our brains respond to change by getting stronger. Dweck writes, “opening yourself up to growth makes you more yourself, not less.”
Say No. When I was walking along an undeveloped stretch of beach, I passed a set of run-down stairs painted with this message to the universe: “Don’t say maybe when you want to say no.” The message resonates with my desire to live in my truth and be impeccable with my word.
A symbolic gesture for the new year is writing down the things, responsibilities, beliefs, or people you desire to let go of, then burning them. If you are in a small space, dissolving paper works just as well.
Is my Karma Boring?
Don’t confuse intentionally creating space with boredom. Boring is tedious. It’s repetitious. It’s unimaginative. So don’t do boring. Check in with a personal examination of who you spend your time with and what you do with them.
If you find you are doing the same activities or having the same conversations with the same people, you may be just playing it safe. Sometimes, that is okay. As humans, we look for patterns so that we can sense how to respond. Greg Satel, writing for Forbes, points out, “We use patterns to derive meaning without having to do a more detailed inspection.” This pattern recognition can serve you well if you are in survival mode. During the COVID-19 pandemic, we may have felt like we were living on a global “Survivor” series with a horrific outcome. During the pandemic, limiting risks made sense—an invisible predator lurked on surfaces and traveled in droplets, invading our lungs, gatherings, and neurological systems.
However, a life devoid of risk could be a red flag that you are stagnating.
If this resonates with you, perhaps it is time for a more detailed inspection of each relationship.
Satel writes, “Just because a pattern exists, doesn’t mean that the cause of that pattern is important or meaningful.” While some of our relationships are born of safety, some are feeding the beast of dependency. Take a closer look at any relationship that might feel toxic, one that feels compulsive, unhealthy, or imbalanced. Perhaps it is easier to keep connections from old neighborhoods, activities, or social circles because they used to bring joy, or you feel some form of expectation or obligation. Remember the first question – Are they serving your best life?
Being willing to break old patterns and try new experiences may attract others seeking to grow in the same direction.
To open up your karmic cycle, ask five casual acquaintances for coffee or a virtual meet. make deeper connections by seeking commonalities that go beyond what you can see or what you know.
What is the last thing I changed my mind about?
The ability to change your mind is a powerful tool. George Bernard Shaw wrote: “Those who can’t change their minds can’t change anything.”
I borrowed the question, “What is the last thing you changed your mind about?” from Dave Stachowiak, host of the “Coaching for Leaders” podcast. I’ve started turning this question on myself, and I invite you to do the same.
Consider a time when you believed something that was later proven to be untrue. Perhaps data or evidence changed your mind. Maybe it was by going further to discover more about a topic or a person. You can practice changing your mind by intentionally taking a different perspective, such as in a debate, or by directly and honestly addressing criticism.
One of the hardest things to change our minds about is how we think about ourselves. Carol Dwyer writes in “Mindset” about the discomfort of practicing a growth mindset. She describes how unsettling it is to step outside our fixed mindset, which shows up in our internal talk track: “Don’t do this, it’s not worth the risk. Protect yourself.”
Imagine a professional ballplayer who strikes out at the plate. They don’t quit the game. They return to the dugout, shake it off, and get ready to step up again.
The growth mindset athlete tells themselves: “Go for it, learn something new, embrace the practice and the study.”
Write your personal affirmation ... Focus on a behavior or personal belief you want to change. Then compose a sentence, in the future tense, as if it is already true.
(To get you started, visit Dr. Carmen Harr’s 35 examples of affirmations.)
Conclusion
In conclusion, I hope these three questions will help you make some small pivots to a new and fulfilling chapter in your life.
Open up space by clearing out what no longer serves you. Question if your well-formed patterns are distractors to your future. Create an affirmation to change your self-talk. Although we cannot think our way to new behavior, challenging our old behavior is the first step. The most inspirational life stories form in the grimmest circumstances, from those who dare to dream of the life they desire.
Then, apply the growth mindset as you take the steps to fulfill your wildest desires. Find new skills and relationships to explore, revel in bringing the beginner’s eye, be a curious cat, and take healthy risks. Above all, embrace the winding trail of imperfect self-discovery.
One last quote from Satell: “If you believe that the patterns of the past determine our future, then you will cling to them dearly. On the other hand, if you believe that the most important patterns are those we have yet to uncover, then the future has no bounds.”
~Julee Everett
Hone your craft, speak your truth, show your thanks