You Matter.
When “I have to earn self-care” becomes the story, it’s time to talk back.
My mother wasn’t a martyr in the literal sense. But she carried herself like one.
Not out of humility, but from a deeply ingrained belief that she was less valuable than the people around her. That belief didn’t start with her. It was passed down through generations, reinforced by culture, family, and faith.
She had lots of unhealthy lessons hammered into her growing up, and I learned many of those same lessons from her. Things like: don’t eat until you’ve served everyone else. Don’t stop until all the chores are done (even if they’re never done). Always put yourself last.
It took me years to realize those lessons didn’t just shape my habits; they shaped my sense of worth. I believed rest had to be earned. That care was conditional. That if I wasn’t constantly doing, I was somehow failing.
These kinds of stories run deep. And if you’ve ever found yourself wondering whether you’ve done “enough” to deserve a break, you might be carrying them too.
That’s what this image captures. A little creature, holding a watering can, surrounded by wilted plants that represent our own unmet needs. The ability to take care of ourselves is available, but it’s not being used. It’s a hesitation I’ve felt a thousand times. Maybe you’ve felt it too.
This post is part of my series on talking back to the inner critic. You Matter. Especially when you’re not performing. Especially when you’re tired. Especially when you’re not sure you believe it yet.
Self-esteem influences whether we believe we deserve care. People with low self-esteem believe that self-care must be earned through performance, perfection, or pleasing others.
When self-esteem is low, people often feel they must earn the right to rest, say no, or ask for help. Self-care gets pushed aside because their value feels conditional.
You can recognize if your self-esteem has taken a beating if you catch yourself thinking: “If I haven’t done enough today, I can’t justify taking a break.”
This leads to neglect, over functioning, or chronic self-sacrifice. And unlike resilience, which grows through replenishment, this pattern only reinforces burnout.
Where Does Low Self-Esteem Come From?
It often grows in environments where value feels conditional or unclear. Here are some examples:
- Being repeatedly overlooked for opportunities at work (or in a job search) can be deeply discouraging. When someone contributes consistently but is passed over for promotions or high-visibility projects, they may begin to believe they aren’t capable or valued. Without honest feedback, silence becomes its own kind of message: you don’t matter enough to invest in.
- Receiving only critical or vague feedback also wears someone down. If feedback is harsh or constantly focused on what’s wrong, it leaves no room for growth, only shame or confusion. This fosters a sense of failure, even in highly competent people, and replaces learning with self-doubt.
- Growing up in a family where love or approval felt conditional can shape lifelong beliefs about what makes one valuable. If care was tied to achievement, behavior, or appearance, a person may learn that worth must be earned. This sets the stage for chronic over functioning or perfectionism—both of which block authentic self-care.
Each of these experiences sends the same message: you’re not enough, or you only matter when you’re useful. The work of self-care is often about noticing where those messages took root and replacing them with a more compassionate voice. One that says, “You matter. You are allowed.”
Why this matters
Self-care is more than taking a break or a bath; it’s a way of relating to yourself. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows that people who treat themselves with kindness engage in more effective self-care. Over time, this practice supports emotional resilience and helps rebuild self-esteem—not by comparing yourself to others, but by consistently showing up for yourself.
Self-care is a practice that is tied to your beliefs about self-worth and impostor syndrome. Like the other inner critics, to combat it, don’t wait until you feel worthy. Treat yourself as if you are. Your body and your mind believe everything you tell them. Practicing small actions of self-care becomes evidence that you are enough. You matter.
The Pushback: What about Service and Leadership?
Messages like “Leaders eat last” or “Service before self” are often used to justify putting others first. But leadership is not martyrdom. Neither is parenting. You can care and still set boundaries. Over-functioning to prove your worth only teaches your team or children that it’s okay to burn out quietly. The most effective leaders model sustainability. They don’t vanish into the work. They demonstrate how to stay engaged without losing themselves.
To Do
Reflect
When was the last time you put yourself last? What story were you telling yourself in that moment?
Nudge
1. Say “No.” once this week without apology or over-explaining.
2. Block time on your calendar labeled “Recovery.” Keep the appointment.
3. Say it out loud: “I am allowed to take care of myself. I matter.”
Reset
Self-care is not a reward for being good. It’s a responsibility to stay well.
To Read
“Self-Compassion” by Kristin Neff. If you are more of a watcher than a reader, she has a fantastic TED Talk, listed below in the “To Watch” section.
To Watch
The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion. This is a shortened version (13 minutes) of Dr. Kristin Neff’s 2013 TEDx. It’s a fascinating exploration by a self-described evangelist for self-compassion that even delves into bullying in schools and prejudice.
Until Next Time
We’re still learning to talk back to that inner critic; next, we’ll explore the self-sabotaging practice of ‘compare and despair.’
